Monday, January 4, 2010

The Destroyer of Worlds


Pictured above (circa summer 2007) is my family's cat, Lucky. As you can see from this photo, she does not suffer fools lightly. Also, she can blot out the sun simply by sitting her fat, furry self down in front of you.

Damn her eyes.

Initially, Lucky was intended as a birthday gift for my younger sister, who had always pined for something small and squeezable to call her own. But once Rachel moved off to college, it fast became apparent that Lucky was my mother's pet project.

Taking ownership of Lucky released all of the maternal affection that had she had dammed up for years as Rachel and I aged into cynical teenagers. With the human children now grown and fled from the nest, Lucky became the surrogate third Goldmeier child. Mom showered her in affectionate coos, head rubs and food. So much food.

At a certain point, probably around when Lucky began to develop a turkey-esque form and waddle, we all realized that something had to be done to whip the spoiled feline into shape. But alas, we were too late. Even after scattering Lucky's food allotments throughout the house, even after feebly encouraging her to play with her toys, even after viciously mocking her in an attempt to shame her into weight loss, she remains a fat cat.

Why do I mention all of this back story? Well, with my parents both working crazy hours and my sister now semi-nocturnal, Lucky will be my main companion for the next month. And it is imperative that I avoid the corrosive, nihilistic influence of this terrible cat in my attempt to get into shape for AmeriCorps.

So, step one: stop grazing at that massive vat of Puppy Chow that now sits on the kitchen counter. It's hard to imagine a less healthy snack than those scrumptious little cereal bits, gently flavored with peanut butter, coated in a tender milk chocolate envelope and smothereeeeeeeeddddddddddd...

...

Oh... sorry. I blacked out there for a second. Where was I? Oh yes, as I was saying... uh... oh... oh God... my clothes are covered in powdered sugar...

I'm... going to leave it at that. More to come!

2 comments:

  1. At which NCCC campus will you reside? Say Sacramento!
    s

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry to disappoint, but... Perry Point, Maryland.

    ReplyDelete